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13th July, 2003

Internet Influence

York, England (BLX) - In what is believed to be the first case of its kind, the Internet has persuaded a member of the voting public to change his stance on the issue of war in Iraq.

Alex Skip from York in the United Kingdom was surfing his favourite band-related message board online when he came across a discussion on the war.

"At first I was skeptical" said Alex. "I believed that war was wrong, and that there was no justification for it. But I was bored, so I read it anyway".

What Alex didn't bank on was a compelling argument, written in part in 'elite caps', arguing the case for war. The discussion, between teens from all over the world, contained sufficient persuasive power to make Alex change his mind.

"Ever since I read those posts, I have fully believed that war is okay, so long as we're the ones who win" said Alex at a recent press conference

Though the war ended several months ago, the debate still rages on, online. This is the first recorded instance of somebody's opinion being changed by a discussion on a message board, and it should serve to give hope to those people who argue online - it is no longer futile.


31st December, 2002

Middle East Resolved for New Year

Washington DC (BLX) - In a monumental agreement the United States has averted crisis in the Middle East, by brokering a deal between President Bush and Saddam Hussein. Bush announced the terms today;

"You give us 100 pages of report, we'll give the UN 80 pages of your report, and one million dollars. Then we give you ten tanks, and you give us four scud missiles."

While the world listened intently, Bush continued

"Here's where it gets complicated. We then give you back 20 pages of report, and you give us eight tanks. The UN gives you 50 pages of report and humanitarian aid in exchange for 100% of your oil. We give the UN a token treaty and your scud missiles in exchange for your oil and the remaining 30 pages of your report."

Sensing confusion among the enemy ranks, Bush pressed on

"We take your humanitarian aid, and your tanks, in exchange for the last 30 pages of your report, and a contract for new weapons, which you have to buy in order that next time we need to take liberties with you, we have an excuse. All clear?"

A baffled spokesman for the Iraqi regime merely nodded his head.
Current Mood: unclever

Editorial (4)

18th September, 2002

Iraq to be used as Military Base

Washington DC (BLX) - In the latest in a series of antagonistic moves by the United States of the Universe, Supreme High Commander Bush has ordered that Iraqi military installations be prepared for use by the US military.

Speaking from Castle Dubya, an inpenetrable fortress of evil, Bush explained that ideally, the best place from which to launch an attack on Iraq would be Iraq itself. Therefore, US soldiers will be stationed in air bases and military outposts throughout Iraq, in preparation for their assault.

The Iraqi government is saying that the US can't do this, and is pleading for mercy rather than destruction, but we're not listening.


18th September, 2002

Please Move Your Automobile or Nation

Washington DC (BLX) - Following this morning's threat from the US Government to Iraq, concerning their possession of the illegal weapon "oil", the UN Security Council has issued a further ultimatum to the middle east.

In an unprecendented resolution, the United Nations of America (formerly The United Nations) has instructed Iraq that the country is illegally parked, and must be removed or crushed. New president of the UN, George W Bush, has made it quite clear that the world is not prepared to negotiate on this issue

"For years, Iraq has been deliberately stationed above oil fields, which under new international law belong to the United States by definition. We ask that the good people of Iraq relocate to another country, and move their state to a designated parking zone. Other than Israel. Oh, and please check all military dictators at the exits, thank you"

The UNA has given Saddam Hussein fifteen and three quarter seconds to comply, or else US tanks will tow Iraq to the nearest crusher's yard, and have it reduced to a sandy cube.


18th September, 2002

Give Us Your Oil
.. suckers!, said Dick Cheney today

Washington DC (BLX) - Vice President Dick Cheney has today renewed his call for Iraq to "Pay the price of pain", and prepare to be invaded.

Speaking at a low-key press conference, Mr Cheney briefly flashed a list of Iraq's broken promises to the world, and explained that this justified the US breaking its promises to the UN and the international community at large, by attacking Iraq unilaterally.

Iraq is currently making plans to allow weapons inspectors into the country, but the international community is sceptical. Specifically the Bush Regime, which demands oil prospectors accompany any weapons inspectors for security reasons. Said one spokesman:

"Oil is flammable, you can make all kinds of petroleum based weapons out of it, including napalm. Furthermore, they could cause environmental catastrophe by releasing oil into nature. We simply cannot allow Iraq to have this kind of potential for destruction"

America wants to ammend the United Nation's terms on Iraq to include the removal of all Iraqi oil, and its safe transport to America for controlled processing and burning. British President Tony Blair has joined this call for Iraq to surrender its oil, in a press conference whose transcript eerily matched Cheney's word for word. He later went on to privately explain that he was not a puppet, at which point his nose was said to have performed an invasive assault on two reporters.

Iraq has been given seventeen minutes to comply with US deadlines or else it will face the possibility of pre-emptive nuclear strikes.


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